I had Sex Once.

And I've asked everyone to forgive me.

I honestly do not want to bore you right now with the long stories of everything going on in my life and how it’s been a decade since I’ve written to you.

So, let’s skip to the best part. But first, How are you? It’s amazing how deep the question is but yet so shallow that almost any answer can pass as an answer.

“I’m good” “I’m okay” “I’m fine” “I dey” “God is good” “I gallant” “I’m doing great”

Most times people are not good. They are not okay. They no dey. They don’t think God is good. They no gallant and they are not doing great.

And I think if we pause a little more when asking and not move past life quickly, we will get genuine answers to the everyday “How are you?” question.

Now.

A girl was brought forward. She stood in front of the congregation of Christian brethren and confessed to sexual immorality with a brother. She wept bitterly and asked everyone to forgive her. She knelt down and couldn’t even lift her face.

I’ve been in rooms like that before and the only thing I felt was cold and the irresistible urge to sob my eyes out. I’m not sure I’ll ever have the words to describe how I’ve felt in those moments.

Everybody prayed for her and committed her into the hands of God and then the disciplinary measures began. Back Seat. Leave the choir. Leave the units. Drop your post. And all of the things that she could no longer actively participate in.

She came to Church as usual and sat at her, ‘special seat’ without interfering with anyone. She’ll come in quietly and go out quietly, like she intentionally didn’t want anyone to be ‘disturbed’ by her presence.

Then one day, I asked, “How are you?” and stared into her eyes. I met silence. Silence that turned to tears and I held her gently knowing that, maybe nobody has asked her since the day she stood in front of the people.

“I feel alone.” More tears. “I know how everyone sees me right now and it’s hard to live this way, under the piercing eyes of all of these people. It feels like when they see me, they see what I’ve done and I sincerely do not know what to do anymore. It’s painful. It’s lonely. It’s exhausting. It stings. It was just once and I'm sorry. I've asked everyone to forgive me”

Tears.

“It’s okay” was all I could say because at that point as I held her. I didn’t know what to say and that wasn’t my first time being in the position where I had to hold and encourage someone in that situation but I still didn't know what to say.

There was a time I was told, “leave that place. Stay away from her. Don’t touch anything. Don’t even help” because the person I was going to help at that time was asked to leave the premises. (Friends I’ve told this story will understand)

Everytime it gets me thinking, “what’s the point of all of this?” Why are we sending away, the very people we should draw closer? Why is there a perpetual shame culture of what people did even years after they did it? Why is there a need to separate, isolate and cut off without even for once asking, “How are you?”

That’s why people hide. That’s why they continue to do the very things they shouldn’t. I think it’s the shame culture. “Instead of me to be isolated, I rather remain where I am”.

That’s why you people think that “Grace” is the problem and it’s not.

“If we don’t do it like that, more people will continue to sin. Should we continue in sin that grace may abound?”

Grace is not the license to sin. Grace is the vitality, the breathing power that helps us to live. The empowerment to live right. It teaches you, me, all of us to say No to Ungodliness. Whatever gives you license to sin is not grace. Graces frees you from sin so you can live right.

But we don’t want to give that grace because we don’t understand it. It feels too good to be true. We want to receive it but we don’t want to give it. If someone willingly confesses their wrong doings or let me even say they were caught and they are genuinely repentant, they feel more than enough shame at that point to still go through Isolation and shame from God’s people after.

That’s why when I’m privileged to talk with people about what they have done, my first approach is love and grace because I know that if I’m the one, that will be all that I’d need.

As believers, what is wrong is wrong and people should be held accountable but the Shame Culture isn’t what Jesus has called us to do.

None of us deserve the love and grace that we have now and it’s very bold of us to think we can decide who gets it or who doesn’t.

I wish we love ourselves a little more, live a little lighter and get it deep in our hearts that grace is not a license. You just think it is but it’s not.

We all came into this world knowing nothing but still His love and grace covers us all. We should go in that might to do right and live right.

And I know that when we see Him face to face, He won’t ask any of us, “do you think this person deserves to be here?”

Why don’t we do right by His grace and pick our siblings along the way, so that we all will be there?

Today, ask your brother or sister who you think has strayed or has gone a little quiet after a terrible experience, “How are you?”

Love,

Hosanna.✝️💜