MUTE.

6:34pm

Dark. Cloudy. Cold. In eastern Nigeria where this growing woman lives.

My life has grown quieter. Not the romantic kind of quiet people imagine, but the heavy kind. The kind that fills a room even when you’re surrounded by noise. It’s the silence that waits at the door when I step out, follows me to hangout with friends, laughs along when I’m the one cracking jokes, and then slips into bed with me at night. It doesn’t say a word, but it never leaves.

Some days, my life feels far away from me, like it’s a story I’ve heard too many times to care about. I’ve been so deep in other people’s lives, celebrating their wins, holding space for their heartbreaks, paying attention to their details, that my own life feels like background noise. I can tell you what someone else is working towards, but I’m not sure I can remember the last time I thought seriously about my own dreams or felt like I was actively working towards them. I mean, I try. God knows I do.

The quiet has a way of making you ask questions you don’t want to answer. Is this career really mine? Do I even matter the way I hope I do? If I stopped existing tomorrow, would it shift anything? I’ve thought about my death, not dramatically, just with a strange, detached curiosity that I’m not proud of. I sprinkled two or three "God forbids" and that's just about it. It doesn't scare me though. Death just puts everything in perspective especially when I want to beat myself up for not putting in my all in this life.

Then there are times when I've looked at my friends and wanted the lives that they have. Don't judge me. To have their ease, their spark or the ease and spark I think they have. I’ve wanted to know what it feels like to wake up and be certain about who you are. To be sure. To Live.

Sometimes I just tell myself that, "oof, I'll figure it out" but then almost immediately I start to wonder how and when. It feels like I'm moving in my own life slowly without drive or zeal. Like everything I've dreamt of and still dream of can't be reached by my little hands.

In the quiet, I've let go of friendships I was too tired to fight for. I just let it go. No fuss. No back and forth. Nothing. Just quietness. Silence.

What do I do? To be honest, some days I do nothing but stare. Other days I talk to people who ask(like my boss, my friends, my family). Most of the days, I sit in my quietness and bawl my eyes out, sobbing, "God just help me please. I beg you. Nothing makes sense"

Maybe I'm young. Maybe. I'll come back when I'm older to let you know if things eventually worked out or if it got better or quieter.

I'm on a journey to make my life better in 30 days, maybe more(depends). Not asked anyone to join me but it'll be amazing if someone did. I'm curious to know what my life will look like if I did all of the things I've ever dreamt of doing.

I'm tired now.

6:34pm. 5th August, 2025.